Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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self-pity is better than none.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER