The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






