Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLER