My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER