Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER