I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER