A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER