Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER