Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER