I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER