When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER






