Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER