We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLER