I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER






