Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER






