Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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self-pity is better than none.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER






