I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER