I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER