A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER