My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER