This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER