I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLER