The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER