In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER






