I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER