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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

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Bury Clear Dead Dinner Food Phase Serve Table Three

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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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