If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER






