This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER