When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER