My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERI serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER