There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER






