If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER