I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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