I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER






