A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER