A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER