My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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self-pity is better than none.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER






