Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER