… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER