You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER