My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER