My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER