My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLER