I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER