Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER