There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER