Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER