His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLER






