Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER