My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER






