Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER