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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

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self-pity is better than none.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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