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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

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self-pity is better than none.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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