My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER