Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLER






