I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER