The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER