The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER