Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER