What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER