Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER