I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER






