Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER