The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER