Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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