I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER