Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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self-pity is better than none.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER