When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLER






