Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER