I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER






