The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER