If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLERComedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER