I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER