Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER