By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER