The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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