I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER