My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER