Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLER