What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER






