Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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