Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER