When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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self-pity is better than none.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER