I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER






