There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER