To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER