Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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self-pity is better than none.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER