I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER