I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER