In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLER… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER