The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER