The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER