“You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what’s current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.”

If life is so meaningless, then why are we always bringing it up?

Did you know, in the entire universe, we are the only intelligent life forms thought to have a Miss Universe contest?

When we speak to God, we call it prayer; when God speaks back, we call it psychosis!

I was always drawn to more the social-expression-of-culture types.

I feel some part of me can wake up and be very existential and the next day wake up and be sort of in love with the universe.

People hire me to create some kind of archetype or some culture type, or something. I guess they accept whatever I come up with.

Truth is, I’ve always been selling out. The difference is that in the past, I looked like I had integrity because there were no buyers.

To me, “sexual freedom” means freedom from having to have sex.

I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it’s much too confining.

The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year-everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

The road to success is always under construction.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

What a funny world we live in people live their days in pursuit of filling their hands with things only to depart this life empty handed.

Time is a funny old thing isn’t it?! We are all surrounded by it!

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

I don’t care what kind it is, just get me a beer.

Off the liquor that’s when I’m the most honest.

The man who invented the red carpet needed his head examined.

Only person I’m scared of fighting is Paris Hilton.

You know it’s funny when it rains it pours They got money for wars, but can’t feed the poor.