“If you have a dog or a cat, you know how developed they can be. How sensitive, how aware. They suffer. We all do.”

Truth is, I’ve always been selling out. The difference is that in the past, I looked like I had integrity because there were no buyers.

To me, “sexual freedom” means freedom from having to have sex.

I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it’s much too confining.

The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year-everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

The road to success is always under construction.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Growing up in Michigan was fine, until I realized where I was.

I still believe that sex is dirty. It’s just that now I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Language was invented because of the deep human need to complain.

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the phone company.

A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.

The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat.

What sort of philosophers are we, who know absolutely nothing of the origin and destiny of cats?

No animal has more liberty than the cat, but it buries the mess it makes. The cat is the best anarchist.

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Is nature a giant cat? If so, who strokes its back?

I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.