I bought a box of animal crackers, but there was nothing inside. They’d eaten each other.
LILY TOMLINIf you can’t be direct, why be?
More Lily Tomlin Quotes
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Success is a ladder that cannot be climbed with your hands in your pocket – The road to success is always under construction.
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Did you know, in the entire universe, we are the only intelligent life forms thought to have a Miss Universe contest?
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Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that’s the truth.
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I still believe that sex is dirty. It’s just that now I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
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When I am happy I feel like crying, but when I am sad I don’t feel like laughing. I think it is better to be happy; then you get two feelings for the price of one.
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Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use.
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It’s a more ridiculing, divisive humor today.
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I think life is perverse. It can be beautiful, but it won’t.
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We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
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There will be sex after death, we just won’t be able to feel it.
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Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
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I try to be cynical, but it’s so hard to keep up.
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If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
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Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest – then we can all die laughing.
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Having a real public outlet is how you imprint something for yourself. It’s just a matter of timing. It’s like you’ve marked your territory.
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To me, “sexual freedom” means freedom from having to have sex.
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Does your mind feel more and more like teflon? Nothing sticks to it?
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I was always drawn to more the social-expression-of-culture types.
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Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
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For fast-acting relief try slowing down.
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We are all in this together, by ourselves.
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If you have a dog or a cat, you know how developed they can be. How sensitive, how aware. They suffer. We all do.
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If trying harder doesn’t work, try softer.
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I guess if people couldn’t profit from war I don’t think there would be war.
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Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
LILY TOMLIN