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Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!

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All geniuses die young.
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Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
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If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
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If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
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A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.
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If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
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Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
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Room service? Send up a larger room.
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Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
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I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
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Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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