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Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!

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I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
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I don’t know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
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I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed.
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You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
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In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat.
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I intend to live forever, or die trying.
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Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
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If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
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Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
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