Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLINThe IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
More George Carlin Quotes
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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Meow means woof in cat.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
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I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN