As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
ALAN KINGVillains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
More Alan King Quotes
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
ALAN KING