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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.

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Back Ball Been Fifty Laugh Listen Love People Theatre Villian Year

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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Accident Car Cousin Eighty Kill Male Mother One Raise Sister Six Trolley
When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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All Birthday Celebrate Everybody Father Kid Tell Tree Use
Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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Difficult Face Funny Go Let Offend Worry
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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Apple Every Gave Hospital Juice Morning
The other day my house caught fire.
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Caught Day Fire House Other
Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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Better Salami Sex Slice Thickly
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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Go Kitchen Mother never Other Pot Room Saw
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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Being Bird Come Early Gonna Mind Sixty-five Special Tell
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Funny Holocaust Joke Make Occur People Way
I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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Carnegie Hall Have Made Practice
My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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Father Help Leave Not True
I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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Always Dinner First Morning Plan Thing
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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Eat Every Holiday Jewish Kill Summer Try Won
We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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Distort Fun House Mirror Reflection Set Standard Style

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