“I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

To get a great idea, come up with lots of them.

There are no new ideas. There are only new ways of making them felt.

If someone isn’t what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.

What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.

If you give up on the idea that your voice can make a difference, then other voices will fill the void.

Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.

An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

Attention is a strange sort of being, anyway, the idea of attention if someone appreciates your work. It’s always nice that someone appreciates your work.