“People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”

It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Always do whatever’s next.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I didn’t go to Harvard because I thought they had good academics. I went because they had crappy enough sports so they’d let me play.