“It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.”

The best way out of a difficulty is through it.

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.

It’s not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

If there are no dogs on Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

There are an awful lot of skinny people in the cemetery.

We used to drink an awful lot of alcohol.

I can’t run. I start getting twinges. If I were filmed running, it would be awful.

I listened, vaguely knowing now that I had committed some awful wrong that I could not undo, that I had uttered words I could not recall even though I ached to nullify them.

Occasionally, when I get mad at a woman, I’ll do some great, awful painting about her.

I had some money, I made the best paintings ever.

I was completely reclusive, worked a lot, took a lot of drugs. I was awful to people.

You make me happy, even when you’re awful. I would rather be with you – even the you that you seem to think is diminished – than with anyone else in the world.