Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
GROUCHO MARXI must admit, I was born at an early age.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX -
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX -
I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.
GROUCHO MARX -
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX -
I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX -
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX -
Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX -
While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX -
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
GROUCHO MARX -
In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat.
GROUCHO MARX -
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.
GROUCHO MARX -
Room service? Send up a larger room.
GROUCHO MARX -
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy
GROUCHO MARX -
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX -
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX






