“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

Loyalty to country always. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man’s.

You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I haven’t any right to criticize books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them.

If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.

The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.