“There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages.”

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.

I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Classic – a book which people praise and don’t read.

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.

I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The world belongs to those who set out to conquer it armed with self confidence and good humor.

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Don’t be afraid to take charge, think about what you want, then do the work, but then enjoy what makes you happy, bring along your crew, have a sense of humor.

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

You will find the key to success under the alarm clock.