“There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages.”

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.

I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Classic – a book which people praise and don’t read.

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.

I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.

Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Don’t be afraid to take charge, think about what you want, then do the work, but then enjoy what makes you happy, bring along your crew, have a sense of humor.

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

You will find the key to success under the alarm clock.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time.