“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

Once I put it down I couldn’t pick it back up.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Time wounds all heels.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.

I must admit, I was born at an early age.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Do you mind if I don’t smoke?

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

Sex is like nose picking. It’s fine as long as you practice it yourself, but it’s disgusting watching someone else doing it.

Keep all ur troubles in ur own pocket. But, make sure that the pocket has a hole!

How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?

I think you really have to tap into your sense of humor in order to survive.

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.

There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.

People who try to explain pictures are usually barking up the wrong tree.