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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

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Humour Judge Jury Marriage One Liner

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Once I put it down I couldn’t pick it back up.
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The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.
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While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
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I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
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She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
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I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that.
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Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
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