A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERNext to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER






