Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERNext to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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self-pity is better than none.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER






