My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLERNext to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER