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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Again Happen Last Night Nothing Terrible Thing
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Christmas Everybody Forgotten Past Present Remember Time Want
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Bd Commemorate Cook Country Kid Person Thanksgiving Through
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Chance Housework Kill Rake You
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Age Glove Love Old Sport Through
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Curve Set Smile Straight
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Do Life Practice Work Yourself
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Before Enough Fiance Get Marry Meet Officer Parent Parole
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Hat On Screw Wrinkle
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Ago Ask Fresh Grass Hour Lady Milk Said Three Waiter
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Accused Constant Country Drought Fire Food Mud Swanson
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Cheap Christmas Committed Eve Fre Husband Kids Santa Shot Suicide Tell
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Central Crime Night Only Park Reduce Trade Walk Woman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Bed Fight Go never Stay Up
If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Jealous Mercy Pilead Talk
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Aim Fool High Off Shoot

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