“I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.”

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!

Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

The trouble is, as soon as you’ve chosen somebody it obscures anybody else you might have thought of.

Have a go. Anybody can do it.

The soft nerds are the ones who get violently ill whenever anybody mentions an integral sign.

Don’t worry about what anybody else is going to do. The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Because anybody can find their fan base through the Internet.

If you listen to that song and knew anything about me, you’d say, “Oh yeah, he wrote that about his daughter,” but I try not to write them that they are so specific that they wouldn’t apply to anybody that has a child.

I do not believe that defending traditional marriage between one man and one woman excludes anybody or usurps anybody’s civil rights and denies anybody their civil rights.

My attitude is that if anybody of any age wants to read a book, let them, but I do think that no child would want to read Boneland.