My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER