Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
self-pity is better than none.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER