A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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