I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLER






