The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER