Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER