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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

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Afford All Children Move Them Thing Want

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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Afford All Children Move Them Thing Want
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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