Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER






