My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER