I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER