The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER