I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERI spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER






