My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERI spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER