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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Hat On Screw Wrinkle
If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Jealous Mercy Pilead Talk
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Descend Foolish Listen Long Mother Very
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Beauty Day Fourteen Give never Plan Ten Up Year
I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Karate Look Overpower Perfume Sick
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Body Doctor Hope Look Reincarnation Said Yes
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Children Divorce Father Get Now Outside Remember
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Attack Country Dog Even Hear Ible Lisp Mail One People Person Piddle
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Age Glove Love Old Sport Through
I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Age Come How Feel Me Old Rear See Should
Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Cook Food Lose May never Serve Taste
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Cheap Christmas Committed Eve Fre Husband Kids Santa Shot Suicide Tell

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