In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER






