My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER






