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self-pity is better than none.

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Better Ity None Self

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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Better Ity None Self
Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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