I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER