Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLER