Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER