My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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self-pity is better than none.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER