My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLER






