It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER