“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

As far as looking at myself on screen, I tend to pick out every single flaw that I could have or should have done better.

And I have no doubt that every new example will succeed, as every past one has done, in showing that religion and Government will both exist in greater purity, the less they are mixed together.

If you are out in two races and someone else has a good couple of races, it could change. So all we do is try to get the optimum every time.

Every man bears the whole stamp of the human condition.

Every one rushes elsewhere and into the future, because no one wants to face one’s own inner self.

Just like every person who works for Dortmund is a fan of the club, it was the same at Mainz.

In London, you’ll be walking around and, ‘Oh, there’s the ground.’ Every area of the city has a Premier League club. They all survive; they all exist with enough money, and that’s good.

As Dortmund manager, I lived in a street, and my two neighbours were Schalke fans. They showed it every day, flying flags!