“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.”

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.

I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Classic – a book which people praise and don’t read.

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.

I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.