If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife’s side of the bed at night.
ADAM CAROLLAAs I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I’d never hurt another person.
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Don’t do your best, do my best.
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You don’t cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
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I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
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A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it’s not a great way to go.
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I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
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I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.
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So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.
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This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance.
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Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
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I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
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I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.
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Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much
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We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.
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If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?
ADAM CAROLLA