And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
SPIKE MILLIGANMoney can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
More Spike Milligan Quotes
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Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.
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There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.
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You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
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Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.
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I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
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I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.
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Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
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Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.
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I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)
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Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
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Only on the third class tourist class passengers’ deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.
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I’m a hero with coward’s legs.
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My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
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Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.
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Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.
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I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
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I told you I was sick.
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In the human race today, you came last.
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My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
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Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.
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We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.
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To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don’t want you singing at my funeral.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
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How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
SPIKE MILLIGAN