“I’m a hero with coward’s legs.”

Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Humanitarianism is the expression of stupidity and cowardice.

Cowards die many times before their actual deaths.

Fear of ridicule begets the worst cowardice.

We said nobody would shoot a Panther but a pig, because Panthers don’t pose a threat to anybody but pigs.

That man is not truly brave who is afraid either to seem or to be, when it suits him, a coward.

We said nobody would shoot a Panther but a pig, because Panthers don’t pose a threat to anybody but pigs.

A coward dies a thousand times, a soldier dies but once.

I’d rather die like a man, than live like a coward.