It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHTI think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT