Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHTI think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT