“I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.”

Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

I aspire to be an old man with an old wife laughing at old jokes from a wild youth.

If you broke & clownin a millionaire the joke is on you.

Death meant little to me. It was the last joke in a series of bad jokes.

When I was a child, if someone had talked to me about buying water, I would have thought it was a joke.

Do not tell jokes that ain’t funny. 

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Fate seemed to be playing a series of extraordinarily unamusing jokes.