I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHTI like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHT