I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHTI like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT