My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDThis morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD