My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDThis morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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