The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDA girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






