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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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Arm Bone Dog Favorite My

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