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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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