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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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Interrupt Spoken Wife Year
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Around Came Carry Father Picture Wallet
Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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