My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhat a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






