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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Bee Butcher Kid Told Wife

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Father Finger Kidnap More Piece Proof Remember Sent Time Want
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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Broke Game Hockey Night Other Out Went
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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Fed Me Mother Shot Sing So Ugly Use
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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Dog Drink Glass Kiss Lip Married Stay Tough Wife
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Each Other Every Goe never Night Nothing Psychiatrist Right Seen Sex Wife
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Born I Morning Mother Sickness
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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Born Doctor Mother Slap Ugly
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Country Dog Every Leave Pyramid Room Some
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Halloween Kind Life Look Parent Sent
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Birthday Ever Had Join Respect Toast Water Wife Women
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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Ask How Big People Pet Store Work
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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Fight Full Hope Man Reform Seventy Still Twenty Want

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