My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDAt twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD