On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDAt twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD