A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDAt twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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