One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDAt twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






