I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDAt twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELD