When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDAt twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD