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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Rodney Dangerfield

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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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