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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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