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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Being Do Draw Men Most Thing Told Wage
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Frink Last Much Olive Sample Time Too
If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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