My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD