I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD