It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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