I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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